MUTINEER MAGAZINE, PUBLISHED WRITING

What People Drink

October 21, 2010


WHATS THE LAST THING YOU DRANK?

Your approval.


WHAT DO YOU DRINK ON STAGE WHILE DOING STAND-UP COMEDY?


Well I’d like to drink a 30-year old single but I actually drink Pappy’s Bootshine Bourbon cause it’s what we get for free. Even when I have piles of cash I drink whatever swill they’re pouring cause it’s a matter of principle.



WHAT’S THE FUNNIEST THING YOU EVER DRANK?

Drank. It’s actually called… Drank. It’s an “Extreme Relaxation Beverage”, and It looks just like an energy drink except it does the exact opposite of making you energetic. Why anyone would need this in a state where you can get a prescription for relaxation is beyond me, just make sure you check the label next time you juice-up. Could be setting yourself up for an extreme nap next time you hit the slopes.



WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH YOUR BEVERAGE?

Water. Lots of water. I tend to get The Hangover strength hangovers and through sheer necessity have discovered that if I am going to drink like I fish I better give the fish some water to swim in. Years ago back in New York I developed a trick that’s probably saved my life a couple of times called “the chug”. When you’re sixteen shots in and the wall is beginning to look like taffy, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. Once you’re in, cup your hands under the faucet and start chugging water like a thirsty African. Do this every time you go to the bathroom, and in no time you’ll be a perma-pissin-sober-seeming citizen of the world. Much better than blacking out, and far cheaper.



WHAT DON’T YOU LIKE TO DRINK

Gin. Can’t do gin. Back in college I got real hammered on Bombay and ever since I just can’t do Gin. In fact even the mention of the juniper berry makes me a little sea-sick… Oh God I think I’m gonna lose it…



WHAT ARE YOUR GO-TO BEVERAGES AT HOME

Scotch. And my girlfriend’s a big wino, so any adult grape-juice we have around will do too.



WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH BREAKFAST

As much coffee as I can. Typically the dregs of yesterday’s pot will be waiting so I’ll throw those in the wave while I percolate a fresh batch – it’s not about taste, it’s about waking up. And then I’ll have a bowl of something.



WHAT IS YOUR DESERT ISLAND BEVERAGE

“Ben Morrison’s Castaway Surprise” – Coconut water, urine and hope!



COCA-COLA OR PEPSI

Coke. But frankly I’d love to find those faceless sodas they drink on old TV. I remember an episode of Family Ties where Alex goes to the fridge and pulls out a “cola”. I want one of those.



CAFFEINATED BEVERAGE OF CHOICE?

Your approval.


You Might Also Like

No Comments

Leave a Reply